When I was around 9 or 10 I went to a youth camp in Hibberdene. I have always been a huge lover of music, amongst other things; with all the thoughts fighting for attention & debating sides, this song popped into my head, a song I sang at that youth camp. “I see the clock upon the wall, but it don’t bother me at all… watching my life & everything I do, wondering if the dreams that I believed in could still come true” how did we get so caught up in running out of time that we forgot to love where we’re standing now? (also, how did I have such an old soul at such a young age? 🤣 )
I’m so guilty of getting worried that I’m running out of time. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be married or have children & only about 5 years ago the thought of marriage became a reality. My 39th birthday brought with it some uncomfortable truths & old hurts that I admit I wasn’t ready to face; why does it become harder to trust God with His perfect plan for our lives when we get a little older? How do we ever know if the choices we make are the right ones? Well- we don’t. At this uncertain & admittedly rather uncomfortable place in my life, I need to remind myself to just stand still for a bit. Maybe in standing still we can see & appreciate the beautiful hearts of the people around us? Having your heart set on an unknown in the future steals so much joy from today.
There are so many things that can make time stand still, a kiss, a conversation; & when we want time to move faster to help lift our hearts, the clock ticks painfully slower. Is running out of time real or is it just a way to make ourselves unhappy with our lives? We have it all wrong don’t we?
Whenever I’ve gone through a challenging time in my personal life I find comfort in watching Sarah Jessica Parker & her 3 BFFs on Sex & the City, yep, all the way from S1 E1. The past few weeks I gained a different perspective & understood why it gave me such a great sense of comfort; it’s not the promiscuity, or the jokes, or the questionable choices that make it so captivating to watch, it’s the 4 different women with different personalities & different expectations, trying to navigate life & love in their 30s, that show us things don’t always work out the way you thought or planned, but they do work out…
Looking back I don’t regret the end of any relationship because they have all molded & made me into the woman I am, & who I am today is the best version of myself so far; how could I be anything but grateful? I did have an epiphany while watching an episode entitled “Single vs Married” – if you are a single, hopeful, 39 year old woman, the voices speaking into your life will most certainly become a matter of life or death. None of us are meant to be alone, the path there is just a little different for each of us & that’s ok too 🥰
Yesterday my main lady in my life reminded me of a love that can’t be accurately put into words, a love that sees the best version of you, a love that doesn’t just tolerate, but truly celebrates you – even at your weakest, a love that sees you at your best even when you feel just the opposite – my mother’s love…
Dear Mom, Teach me to love like you do. Teach me to see myself the way you do, the way God does. Show me how to adequately thank you for clutching to your unwavering belief in my dreams when I've just about given up. Show me how to remain steadfast, knowing that when conditions are harsh & my world is shaking - I remain rooted. Teach me how to hold on to my own dreams as tightly as you do, so tight that I can already celebrate as you do for me. Thank you for years on your knees Thank you for your complete love & acceptance of who I am even when you didn't agree Thank you for your calm, kind & patient spirit that embraced me when I didn't deserve it Thank you for all the things I can't put in words Teach me to be a mother like you ❤
People get love confused with an emotion – I don’t think it’s a feeling at all, it’s a choice. I think if we started looking at it this way maybe we’d learn how to really cherish & love each other better. Maybe it wouldn’t be as easy to write someone off if you’ve decided to love them for everything they are & everything they’re not. Wouldn’t seeing someone with the same grace you’d want to receive change everything?
I know, or rather, I understand that a mother’s love is something very different than the love we have for people in our lives, & I’m hopeful that one day I’ll experience it – in whichever way it’s intended for me, but for now, for those of us who don’t know just how it feels yet, can we forget about our imaginary clock on the wall? Can we practice a never-seen-before kind of acceptance, forgiveness & grace to prepare our hearts for all the good & perfect gifts coming our way?
So, to my fellow future wives & future mothers on the edge of another Mother’s Day – this month, let’s commit to more love, more compassion, more understanding & more spa days with our BFFs. Let’s quiet down & take the time to embrace where we are now.
All my love,
Laurien
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